Aug 11th 08.
Last week I went west to Ct. which I have been finding to be a wonderful place.
It is full of rivers. Lots of them and they are quite beautiful and rich.
I have never been a camper, not because I do not like it but because I was not exposed to it at all in my life. I have always stayed in cabins or motels or at friends homes and camping never crossed my path until earlier this month. I went to a music festival to see my son play with a band in Hudson NY and I had a great time. It rained and the wind blew and there was a tremendous thunderstorm which lingered all night and lit up the sky over my head. I loved it. It was incredible and satisfying to be there present to a storm and in the middle of it in a way that I had not experienced before.
It changed me somehow and I decided to try camping for myself so I made a reservation at the campground at the Farming ton river in Ct and. Went. I thought I would be fishing from dawn till dusk and doing all the fishing things that I could think of continuously.
No phone, no internet no people to interact with. Alone by a river with a tent and a stove and my fishing stuff and trout and blue winged olives and other native critters and just me with nothing that I had to do or figure out or be aware of at all.
I looked at the river and got my ice and firewood and set up the camp and put all my gear on the picnic table and wandered up and down the paths along the river behind the campsite and saw lots of rising fish and few people and felt quite content in a new way.
I had a book that I was going to read and …
I did not do much at all.
I do not know why it happened but I found myself content to just be there near the river and I did not fish very much at all but I was filled with satisfaction just because I was there and not somewhere else. I took little rides and couldn’t wait to get back to camp.
I looked at pools and places along the river I had not seen before and stopped the car and walked along banks that were a bit out of the way and I did not bring any fishing gear with me at all. I just walked and looked and listened and saw mushrooms and birds and
Allowed my mind to wander and wonder and sat on rocks and noticed flowers growing along the banks and watched the water striders and corixia bugs whirling and hunting on the surface of the pools and eddies and time was not a factor, it all seemed timeless somehow.
I fished the first evening for about an hour and that was it. The second day the river was full of rising fish and I liked that but I did not fish for them.
I went through my flies and re-arranged them and set them in order. It took me hours and hours and that too seemed timeless. I have lots of flies from long ago and I got to see and touch and arrange them. I re-discovered many tiny flies that I had no recollection of until I saw them with little strands of leader still tied to their eyes and realized that I fished with these flies in a past life when I was much younger and then I could see well enough to tie them on easily and in this reverie of physical evidence I found a fly that I remembered very well.
Seeing it right there in front of me for the first time in over thirty years was pungent.
IT brought me back to Aug 13th many years ago. I remember the date because it was the first time I fished after my father died. There was a time in my life when I did not fish and it happened before my dad died and lasted for several years afterwards. It was a strange time in my life.
That day was a Sunday afternoon and I was sitting in my kitchen futzing around getting on my wife’s nerves and she said, “Why don’t you go fishing.”? That was a memorable event as she did not like fishing and it was like a thunderclap in my spirit. I remember being stunned and the next thing I remember is driving to a trout stream with my flies and coming down a hill and starting to lose control of the vehicle and hearing a voice yell “Kenney,” as loud as any voice I have ever heard and it startled me back into being present to my driving and it was my fathers voice.
That shook me and I could not disregard it as imagination. I knew and still know that somehow he crossed the divide and reached out and rescued me from disaster.
I went to a place on the river that we had often fished when I was a boy and felt all those feeling that came up that were tied to memories of the place and him.
I waded far down the river in a wide deep pool that had very little current and very wary fish.
I waded right to the top of my waders on tip toes and moved very slowly and then I saw a tiny rise under some bushes with a tiny space that I could get a fly into if I cast accurately and perfectly and the spot was a few inches long, a tiny indention in the bank.
I got in range and started to watch the fish. HE was eating back dancers and some other small flies, tiny midges and he was content sipping and feeding at will but very sedately. The rises looked like tiny raindrops.
I remember that I tried many flies and did not put the fish down and then I tied on a tiny size 36 gold hooked midge with a whitish body and a brown hackle and started to cast over him continuously. I remember that I made many casts and frequent ones for a very long period of time. Then he rose and I set the hook and he was on.
He fought very well and was a big brown trout by the standards of those times, He was fat and beautiful and I landed him and I was pleased with my success.
I felt my father smile.
I thanked him and knew that my time of not fishing was over.
That little fly got put away in my jumble of fly boxes and was not seen again until the day I went camping by myself last week.
It is a magical fly.
I know where it is now.
Thank you Dad for giving me fishing from your fisherman’s heart.
Amen.